Time To Remember...

I had forgotten.

Wiping fresh tears from my face.

Coiled on my bed.

Soaking in my own bitterness, and all the painful memories, and the doubts I know wreak havoc on my soul like poison every time.

I had forgotten to choose life.

I stop for a moment, check the phone and the trusty Facebook.

And I see it.

A blog.

An interesting title.

And a weird call from within to read it.

Anything to stop this anxiety fiasco.

And there it is. 

That story where a woman dying from cancer beckons you to live life to the fullest and never take a day for granted.

I see pictures of her bald head.

And I freeze.

I had forgotten.

I had forgotten that life lesson I said I would never forget, just a little over three years ago.

That promise I made while holding the mother at my dead friends funeral.

I forgot about losing hair and almost losing life.

I forgot what it felt like to sit in that doctors office as they told me the outcome didn't look pretty.

I forgot the way in which God carried me through.

I forgot about the courage He gave my heart and the friends to cry with when I was weak.

I forgot how I would laugh more and worry less.

I would take my adventures and not give two cents about what other people thought.

I lived life….

Because I didn't know how much more life I would have to live.

But I also had this hope.

This living hope that had just found me.

Just changed me.

It brought joy and it engulfed me more every day.

But here today… I have forgotten.

It's just so easy.

To let life drag you down with all the cares and concerns.

Be overwhelmed with money and whether you have what it takes to survive.

Caught up in past mistakes, as if you can actually go back in time.

And so many wasted seconds staying isolated from the world because you are scared to live.

That's right I said it.

Scared.

Not brave.

Not courageous.

SCARED.

I have seen the world.

I have been caught in some of the traps.

And I figured that's all life could ever really be…

Hiding from the traps.

But it gets lonely and dark in the cave of isolation.

I have become weak and my eyes have accepted the darkness.

But this particular night I clench my fists,

Squint my eyes,

And decide to look back and remember.

I am out now Lord… teach me to live again.