The Impossible Pill...

"As for you, you meant evil against me, 

but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result..."

Genesis 50:20

This is a truth we either swallow or choke on.

This idea that even the worst of things come from the Lord.

Even from the ugliest of things He creates beauty.

Even from the most evil, He brings about good.

He is in control.

Do you see where a person may struggle with this reality?

If you choose the second option mentioned above, let me tell you, it is a ghastly awful thing.

But don't you see, to swallow it would mean the tearing away of that blinded love the soul tries so hard to cling to. 

That one that says God is safe. 

That He only gives not takes away. 

That He only blesses and doesn't curse.

He always stops the bad.

He would never choose it.

But what if He does?
In fact, what if it's a part of His plan?

Any attempt to swallow that pill means that one would have to spit up shallow lies they have believed for so long though they may not even have ever admitted they were there.

But when things are taken from me...

Health, 

Innocence, 

and Precious Relationships,

I respond not with understanding that this is the way of God but that someone is out to simply destroy me. 

Maybe it's that red dude with the pitch fork down below. 

Maybe it's punishment for my wayward heart. 

Maybe it's because I was simply never meant to flourish 

and become anything of any significance or greatness.

I'm choking.

I feel the light slipping away as I suffocate on all of these venomous things.

God, I have never been able to swallow this pill.

What will this mean for everything I have known? Everything I will have to let go?

"Just believe.

For only then will it make sense."

I know that only then will I be able to get rid of the poisonous lies and bitterness that are within me due to the evil ways of men and my own heart.

Only then will growth happen.

Only then will sanctification take place.

Only then will there be hope for ashes.

"Only then will you be free."

I hear that sweet beckoning call.

I am one gulp away.

But it hurts so much God.

And my throat is so dry.

My prayer now,

Let the washing of Your word enable me to swallow this truth.

I believe. Help my unbelief.