Trust...

"Then I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your filthiness and from all your idols. Moreover, I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; and I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh" - Ezekiel 36:25-26

On June the 19th, 2011... I read this verse for the first time at Precepts Boot Camp and God used it in the mightiest way to speak to the deepest and driest parts of my heart. I had been running from God and searching everywhere for some sort of happiness and love apart from the God I had grown up hearing about. But of course, nothing ever satisfied me. And at that point I was in a pile full of sin, mistakes, and consequences. I had hurt myself, other people, and cursed God.  And I was stuck. Depressed. And without any direction or hope for a better tomorrow.        
   

(Even my drawings showed my true heart)

But this passage of Scripture gave me hope. No matter how hard or filthy my heart had become... God could sprinkle me clean. But He doesn't stop there! He goes so far as to take out my old heart and give me a brand new one! And the very idea of a new start, spoke volumes to me. And it was that afternoon, a little before 3, that I could no longer run away from God. I had nowhere else to go but right into the wonderful embrace of His loving arms. But with a new heart... Comes a new life. But I'm still living in the same world. The same circumstances. The same people. But somehow I was supposed to be different now (Even though I had tried and failed on my own so many times before). But with God and His grace... I made some hard decisions and life changes, and got ridiculed for it by those I called the dearest to me, and God got me through it. And the freedom and joy I had is unexplainable. It was like I was living for the very first time.

Now someone told me at the very beginning of my new journey, that it would be difficult. That life doesn't become perfect and care free... But press on anyway, because it's beyond worth it in the end. And in all honesty I took that rather lightly the first day... Then shortly afterwards recognized the huge truth in that. And then I thought I understood it and could handle whatever came my way. Little did I know that two months later, ON THE DOT, on August the 19th, I would get the call that I had a tennis ball sized lump in my chest and it's CANCER... Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma, stage 3. What!? I remember I was waiting all day to get the call from the doctor about some test results. I was in high hopes that it wasn't cancer. I couldn't imagine going through what I saw my mom go through two years ago with Breast Cancer. And my dad went through cancer too, some years ago. And I mean, I know kids can have cancer (We've all see the St. Jude commercials with the sick and bald kids on it). But that wasn't going to be me. There's no way. Life seemed so perfect and happy.

Everything I had dreamed about and more, had become a reality in my life. Well, turns out God had a different plan for me. I remember I got a huge knot in my stomach and for a moment I'm pretty sure my heart stopped. I remember the sound of my mom's cry. I remember the moment before I informed my closest friends, hearing them talk about future events and plans and holding back tears and almost throwing up, thinking for the first time that I may never get to experience those things with them.  I remember telling my youth group and their faces of shock. I remember how quickly it seemed to all be happening, within a week I was having surgery and starting chemo, I felt like the very reality of it all didn't even have time to completely sink in. But at the very beginning of it all I was totally at peace about it. I never cried. I never screamed. I wasn't angry. I just went with it. "Gods in control right? Everyone is praying and supporting me. I'm gonna be fine. I'm just gonna smile and make the most of it." But little did I know that this way of thinking and feeling would soon fade away. Yup, this girl wasn't completely faithful to her God that just saved her. When I started feeling the effects of chemo and experienced the worst pain I have ever felt in my life I asked where God was. "Why isn't He taking the pain away? Does He not hear me? Does He not care?"

When I lost my hair, eyelashes, and eyebrows I felt so ugly and insecure... "Why is this happening to me?" When I went into shock and almost died from an infected flush they put in my port, I wondered why God had healed me spiritually only to kill me physically. It wasn't making sense. "Why bring the sun and happiness into my life, only to bring the storm? I felt so at peace before and thought I was growing in my relationship with the Lord rather quickly, why ruin a good thing?" I couldn't see the reason. I couldn't understand. Therefore, I couldn't put my trust in Him...right? That's what my mind was thinking anyway. "Wait. What's happening? I was so on fire for God and surrendered.  What's wrong with me? Am I really saved?" And all these doubts of my salvation started flooding my mind. So that, combined with the anger I had towards God not intervening, obstructed my view to see all the things He was doing. Are you surprised yet? Ya, Sara wasn't as cool as you thought huh? I remember someone saying to me… "it's ok to be angry, just don’t stay there." But little did she know that yes, I heard her and understood what she was saying… and I understood the first part of what she said, very well. I just couldn’t figure out the second part.  How do I escape the anger?! It had taken hold of me. And I couldn't go to anyone… everyone else seemed to be perfectly fine with the whole cancer thing now. They were trusting God. How? What was I missing?

Well, God healed me. I'm now in remission. Ha, I remember when the doctor came in and told me the news. I was in disbelief. I had him repeat what he said. I mean, why would God heal ME? I was so unfaithful and angry towards Him. That was such a humbling moment. Truly, "If we are faithless, He remains faithful, for He cannot deny Himself." (2 Timothy 2:13) But even after everything He did, I still had that bitterness in my heart. I didn’t like to think about cancer or talk about it. I didn't want to bring back that familiar feeling of anger and confusion. So I tried to push it away as far as possible. "Act like nothing ever happened. Don’t even think about going to an event that's for kids with cancer! Because that wasn't you. It didn't happen remember!?" And this is where my heart as been for MONTHS! And I've been pretty good at pushing it all away. Until my parents dragged me along to this retreat called LIGHTHOUSE. It's an all paid retreat in Florida  for kids with cancer and their families. And as I saw little kids sick with a disease that could potentially kill them… that feeling of anger and confusion boiled in my heart. "Where are You God? Why these kids? Why does cancer exist? Where's the answer to all these questions that are overwhelming my mind? Are You hearing me? Are you there? Is my heart screaming loud enough!?" And I struggled with these questions all week. And then I found out that I was going to sing the first song I ever wrote called "Teach My Heart Lord." ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xsxEaslAoZU )  

So the night before the talent show I was just praying for words to say beforehand to explain the story behind the song and encourage those going through the same thing as I was going through when I wrote it. But I was totally lost for any sense of direction as to where to go with it. And then the Lord brought to mind that the very thing I have been struggling with is probably a very mutual struggle for the other families. So, as much as I didn't want to, I ventured back to everything. The feelings, the mistakes, the failure that I felt that I had become by letting the anger just fester in my heart. And then God brought to mind a word I have always struggled with… TRUST. "What is it? What does it take to trust God? Is it possible?" And all I could think about was all the questions I had and all the things I couldn't understand or explain. "How can I trust?" But then the Lord brought to mind a quote I have not thought about for a while now.

"Not being able to fully understand God is frustrating, but it is ridiculous for us to think we have the right to limit God to something we are capable of comprehending." - Francis Chan (Crazy Love)

And it hit me… I may never get those answers. I may never fully understand the reasoning behind God's plan. But that's ok! If I could understand God fully Him and fit Him in this nice little box, what kind of a God would He be? The fact that I CANT understand Him because He is just that BIG, brings me comfort and the ability and desire to trust Him with everything. And just like that, all this bitter and anger escaped the deepest parts of my heart. All that I had locked away and refused to let go, God opened and cleaned it all out. He is trustworthy… even when we don’t understand!

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding." - Proverbs 3:5

"God thunders with His voice wondrously, doing great things which we cannot comprehend." - Job 37:5