War Between The Monster And Child...

It seems as though, if I were to admit you guiltless, I would admit I was never harmed.

To say there is no blood on your hands

 Means that there is no blood rushing out of my heart.

What seems to have happened is that holy men wiped away stains from your sleeves.

While they pushed me away and said, go ahead and bleed.

. . . .

Time does not heal all wounds.

Neither does depression medicine.

Nor a whole bottle of wine.

Maybe that’s why I’m about to be honest here.

Maybe that is what I have to thank for giving me courage 

To write words from my heart and my mind.

. . . .

“It’s Not Your Fault.”

I hear it said time and time again and I still feel the monster screaming,

And the child crying within.

I still replay memories and those moments still flash back.

I wonder where I went wrong,

And what things I wish I could take back.

The monster curls its fingers and twists pain and guilt in my heart.

It says, “Foolish girl, you were a skank from the start.”

And the child just crawls in the corner and weeps,

“What ever did I do wrong? I wanted love.

So why does this story seem stuck on repeat?”

I want answers.

I read books.

I ask all the day long.

I look up towards the clouds.

And I look down at the dust,

Repeat until dawn.

But what I hear all the time,

What I hear with every word.

I’m a fool for feeling love.

I’m a fool for wanting more.

Etch away every thought,

Every moment,

Every tear.

Erase it from my stronghold,

Erase it; let’s form a new fear.

Let me cut you loose from my dreams.

Break free from my thoughts.

Can you not escape from my prison-like-heart?

I’m locked in here with all my demons.

And no one seems to notice why.

But I get lonely and I’m still somewhat hoping,

One of those demons will be an angel in disguise.

If I can just travel one right trail,

If I can gaze upon one truthful word,

Maybe then you will release me,

Maybe then I will finally be heard.

But until that breathtaking moment,

Until the end of this night,

I am locked in here with monsters.

I am stuck asking “why?”

So until that blissful day,

When hope becomes my light,

I will look on towards the stars,

I will fight until I die.

There’s this fire and this spirit,

There’s this longing for something more.

There just so happens to be some strength.

This just happens to be about this girl.

And this girl was born from the sun.

This girl was born as her own.

She walks up to bat, and though she strikes out,

She will always run all the way home.

So wipe your hands,

Clean your sleeves.

You may not show my blood,

But I know why it is that I bleed.

So enjoy ignorance and freedom, my friend.

Enjoy the blissfulness while you can.

Let everyone see smiles.

While I try my hardest not to let my heart rust.

 I have heard it said,

From your faithful book,

“Tis better to have a stone tied around your neck.”

So as you stand with shoulders high,

You are slowly sinking into the sea.

Was I the one who tied it?

Am I the one to blame?

Is it my fault the glowing eyes, seemed to turn my way?

I may never know.

I may never tell.

I may die before truth finds me.

Or maybe it’s just not my story to tell.

What I know for sure.

What I will gladly share.

It is not easy being a lady.

It is not easy being human.

It is not easy to breathe and then tell.

So I wait for release.

Though I would rather take a victory.

I have a white flag in hand,

But I might die before using it.

I want healing to find me.

I want truth to find you out.

I want a better ending.

I don’t want to rip this whole chapter out.

So I press on towards the finish.

I write just a few more words.

I may die before I get there,

But at least I know I died trying first.